 | I loved the subtle satire of this blog, until it occurred to me that nobody was getting the joke...including, probably, the author himself (though the "Frequently Wrong" phrase under the header did have me wondering). So inspiration struck me in the back of the head and my own list just sort of fell out with a wet plop. Here's what I scraped off the floor while cleaning up afterwards:
1. "Get to work on time." Bosses and competitive co-workers hate to consider you as a human being, and punctuality will go a long way towards disproving this. You don't want to be 'the one who is always having problems'- you want to be among those who laugh at them and subtly sabotage their career for your own benefit. Plus, nothing encourages snide resentment in your co-workers and empty pride in yourself like your boss praising you publicly- for your ability to tell time consistently for a year or more.
2. "Stay positive." Don't overdo it...too much enthusiasm is likely to make your bosses suspicious and self-conscious, and encourages co-workers to be scornful and to bring attention to any weaknesses you may have. Just ignore any indications, no matter how blatant, that there might be inconsistencies, waste, and completely counter-productive practices going on "in your business, your company, your co workers and your specific job. Again, it is a simple thing to do. A minimum performance standard."
3. "Don't gossip. Gossip is the hobglobbin of small minds. Don't go there." (Hobglobbin? Is that what orcs do in their handkerchiefs? Oh, never mind...nobody likes obsessing over proper spelling anyway). When you're at work, talk only about work. If you must converse with your fellow drones, make sure it is meaningless, non-confrontational, hysterically inoffensive discussion concerning current entertainment or fashion fads, or at best wholesome and generally acceptable off-duty activities. Or the weather. Never use words that the average 2nd grader wouldn't understand. And for god's sake stay consistent... don't give anyone any reason to alter their one-dimensional surface judgement of you, which started with an uncaring facile first impression and hasn't changed during all the time they've worked with you.
4. "Learn something new every day and every week." (I'm not sure how many new things that adds up to...is that one for every day or just one for every work day? And is that an additional new thing per week? That could be anywhere from 5-8 new things in a given week...and what are the requirements for newness and thingness? Do I have to learn a foreign language, or just the difference between the "Send" and "Delete" button on the company email?) Anyway, the point is that you must be grateful enough for being allowed to work that you're willing to dedicate additional creativity and learning skills ON TOP of mastering the details of how to do your job well. Because there will always be someone willing to go that extra mile (whether it be coming up with a ridiculous and wasteful new idea that everybody loves, or simply giving the boss oral in the employee washroom), and it will suddenly seem like you're not dedicated because you're ONLY doing your job, not more than what's reasonably expected.
5. "Do something nice for a co-worker or customer…that is extra-ordinary. And, here is the tough part: expect NOTHING in return. Don't even hint at some kind of quid pro quo." One nice thing that you can do is correct someone who likes to put un-necessary hyphens with-in words. People love that. I don't mean to sound dismissive- and I'm definitely not trying to avoid going the extra mile- but it seems that just about everything I said concerning enthusiasm applies here as well. Don't overdo it. Being nice to people you work with, or for, will almost always make them suspicious (or at worst engage in distracting and counter-productive interpersonal relationships with you), and being nice to customers is only valuable when it results in Increased Spending...anything else is a drain on company assets. The nicest thing you can do for someone is tell them how to save money, and in almost every case this is counter-productive. Find a happy medium where the customer gets fleeced and still walks away thinking you're a great guy for giving them such a good deal. Or a sucker. Whatever gets them to buy more from you.
6. "One day a week, dress one level up from your normal dress code." Nothing sets you above your tasteless and probably subsistence-level co-workers like zealously (but off-handedly) pursuing someone else's image of what 'professional' looks like. It's a time-proven key to success; weather the deprecations and charges of eccentricity and someday somebody in a higher position might focus on your one safe and obvious departure from the usual (instead of your character, potential, or performance) as a useful excuse to increase your workload and responsibility. Then, you can instead be the boss who wears goofy ties one day a week.
7. "Do 10% more. Simple and achievable." Short and sweet. Advice anyone can understand. Even you. Complete sentences? No need. Details? Un-necessary. What do you do? Do more. And better. Got it? They'll thank you. Who? Them. When? Someday. How? Weren't you paying attention?
8. "Tell your mom and dad about your workplace." Dude, my mom and dad are dead. Thanks for bringing it up. No, I'm just kidding...but someone else may not be. This is great advice, really. My mother barely worked in her entire life, and is so hypersensitive that she browbeats and traumatizes the wait staff when her tuna melt is too dry (with an obvious show of strained propriety, of course). She's a great source of career and interpersonal inspiration. My father worked in a factory all his life and considers any kind of office job or creative job to be some kind of effete fantasy world for homosexuals and deviants who are slowly bringing this country down through casual immorality and accepted incompetence. Hmm...not so far off, now that I think of it. Maybe I should call up the old man and see what he thinks I could do to improve (or come up with) my career path.
9. "Do something beneath your pay grade. In the military, this is when the general stops the car and picks up some trash along the road on base. Too good to make coffee? How about cleaning the pot?" This is especially good advice for all you women and minorities out there, who just love to feel like you're being encouraged to get noticed via menial and degrading tasks while the chosen people advance through bare competence and casual ass-kissing. I feel your pain, though as a White Male American I've been conditioned to regard everyday, essential tasks as degrading and menial...but that just means that doing them will look even more impressive to the other White Male Americans that I'm 82.8% likely to be working for. Or maybe they'll see me doing these tasks and decide that I'm no better than the rest of you losers. You never know with these boss types. Cleaning up the vomit that the boss left after coming in late from getting drunk with his golf buddies may impress him or irritate him. Best leave it for the cleaning crew, just to be safe...how do you say "vomit" in Spanish, anyway?
10. "Make it a point of being known for your manners." Hmm, I started off with a thinly-veiled satirical tone and gradually drifted into pointed irony. This is not a good example of manners. But the whole concept of manners is indeed a complicated one. There are those who say that manners are a symbol of good upbringing and dedication to respect, and the sort of positive interpersonal communication upon which civilization depends. There are also those who say that manners are a mask that we wear, an inherent hypocrisy that insidiously erodes our sense of reality and the real connections between people. Additionally, there are plenty who say that manners are a holdover from an elitist, rigidly stratified social order that encourages repression and prejudice at the expense of self-expression and cultural identity. Still, it never hurts to add "Sir" or "Ma'am" when you speak, because it will make people sad about getting old and that's funny to you. Plus, there's no better way to get your petty revenge against someone in the workplace than by ostentatiously pretending to be more polite and intelligent than you actually are. Nobody ever sees through that one. Just ask my mom. |
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