10 Stupid Things I Want From a Job

How do people get the jobs that they have? How do people even decide what they want to do? These are questions that have been haunting me for some time.

There are two types of people that I've come to envy during the period of my unemployment: the folks who know pretty much what they want to do with their lives, and the people who have been raised to do something specific. I envy equally the determined career folks and the poor kids whose parents or culture have made all the decisions for them...

There's no doubt that many of us are squarely in-between these options. Maybe a few options kinda sound okay, or maybe anything is just as good as anything else. Mostly we just read the want ads and apply to a handful of jobs that we might be able to do and that don't sound horrible. Sometimes this leads to fulfillment, or so I hear anyway.

My personal experience has not been terribly encouraging, but in all fairness I am somewhat lacking in certain valuable attributes...such as ambition, self-discipline, and consistency.
I'd like to think that a really good job would inspire these things in me- why, in the past I have proved that I can go above and beyond the call of duty for things that I inspire me. However, employers generally want someone who can summon these qualities at will, regardless of the actual worth or rewards of the job. And I can't criticize them too much- it would be great for everyone if I could dedicate myself to any task that needed to be done, no matter how I felt about it.

We won't go into the things that I wanted to be when I grew up; let's just say that I realized that my ambitions were not in line with my talents in any realistic way. Fair enough, but I didn't fully realize this until relatively late in life- later than my college education and guidance counselors, anyway. The skills that I'd managed to pick up along the way were not very marketable.

The smart thing to do would have been to go back to school, or at least do some serious networking...but instead, I settled for the jobs that I could get, in the hopes that something better would come out of them, or maybe that something better would magically appear along the way. Anyone could have predicted the result- that I was so unhappy with the lowered expectations that my performance was less than optimal. So I have nothing to show for a decade of work but a short list of unenthusiastic references and almost no additional skills.

Well, that and a few extra responsibilities that I optimistically picked up along the way. No kids, thankfully, but a house and a few pets. My need to have a job has increased with every passing year, while my desire to have a job has stayed more or less below what it should be...and my hope to find anything like a good job has fallen nearly off the face of the map.

So as a way to focus my thoughts and keep them at least marginally productive, I've assembled ten things that I believe a good job should have. Some are stupid, some are more important than others, and some are simply what I've learned about myself while working.

1. I'd really like to have a job where I don't need to wait for a break, or ask permission to go to the bathroom. It's not like I have a bladder problem or anything, just a sort of bottom-line freedom and independence level.

2. I'd prefer to have a job where my continued employment is not based on quotas, performance numbers or percentages. Can you see me doing my job? If you're a decent boss, you should be able to tell whether I'm doing it well or not. Numbers can always be manipulated, and if they're only there to lessen the impact of subjective opinion...well, you must not think too much of the people that you've put in the position of evaluating me. Why, then, should I?

3. I'd prefer to have a job that doesn't depend on me being enthusiastic about promoting someone else's poor-quality, disposable crap. I'm quite good at generating enthusiasm at will, and it's served me pretty well, but it's ultimately tiring and frustrating when it's not based on my honest evaluation of worth and quality. Give me something worth selling and let me be honest about it, or at least stick me someplace where I don't have to pretend.

4. I'm sick of being automatically required to spend my off hours on semi-work-related activities. It's really your responsibility to inspire me to go above and beyond...not mine to summon the will to work without pay. We'll both be happiest if you tell me when I'm supposed to work and then leave me alone when I'm not. Please don't penalize me for not wanting to attend your Sunday cook-outs or Christmas parties or after-work bar sessions. Don't feel that having my cell number entitles you to call me at any hour to ask me stupid questions. Don't ask me to leave home an hour early so that I can pick up coffee and doughnuts for everyone on the way to work. Don't even ask me to spend hours researching the crap that you want me to know unless you want to pay for my time. If I decide to make this job my entire life, I will...but don't penalize me if I'm sticking to simply trading some of my time for some of your money.

5. My time is somewhat valuable, but I'm not greedy. I'd like to make enough to pay for a decent place to live, transportation, food, utilities, and something to put aside for emergencies. I don't need six figures (in my opinion, nobody on earth does, not Bill Gates, not the President, and definitely not some marketing consultant or sociologist or entertainer), but on the other hand, I can't live on minimum wage (in my opinion, nobody can- do you even know what a humble single-bedroom apartment goes for these days, not to mention subsistence-level food and utilities?). If you need me to be presentable and well-adjusted (let alone dependably enthusiastic and professional), you're going to have to offer me enough for a modern human being to make a living. No matter what you're asking me to do, whether it's clean up bar vomit or head a Fortune 500 company, I'm not going to be happy and productive about it unless I know that it's going to let me pay my bills and exist with a minimum of human dignity.

6. I know from experience that I just can't listen to distracting sounds all day. No radio or TV stations blaring crappy music, slanted cynical news and annoying advertisements, no non-stop loops of self-serving promos, no pre-programmed Muzak or lifestyle music loops punctuated by exhortations to take advantage of the membership program. Maybe if we weren't always surrounded by non-stop contemptible noises, all those headphone people wouldn't be wandering around in their own exclusive soundspace, excluding meaningful, respectful contact and making the world even more callous and inhuman than it has to be.

7. I'd like a job where I can allow people to not have to talk to me if they don't want to. If I'm calling someone, please let them be expecting the call. If they're in my store, let me walk away when they tell me that they don't need any help. And for heaven's sake, if they decide they do want something, don't expect me to talk them into something more, bigger, or additional...and if they insist on the wrong thing, let them make their own mistakes and come back later without blaming me for it.

8. Does your company reward incompetence with promotions or transfers? I'll pass. I'd like to know that my boss or co-worker is as good at his job as you expect me to be at mine.

9. Do you hire managers for their management ability without any knowledge whatsoever of the actual product or service that is being offered? Forget it...I'd like them to actually be able to answer my questions or help me out if I need it. And while we're on the subject, does the company help desk or technical support close down an hour into my shift? If they do happen to be available, do they actually have the necessary skills to assist me? The last place I want to be is stuck between an angry customer with an unusual problem and a support structure that has nothing to offer.

10. In the event that we part company, I'd like to be left with something more than a vague reference (though even that would be a step up from discovering six months down the road that everyone I've worked with at the company is gone, and nobody is left who can confirm that I was in fact a good worker). I want to know that I will have learned something more beneficial and impressive than mere ass-kissing, proprietary equipment and procedures than nobody else on the face of the earth has any conception of or use for, and "general positive workplace attitudes and practices".

I know, this is all WAY too much to ask. That's why I'm sitting at home writing this instead of working the late shift at Crappy Burger. But I'm kinda sick of hyping myself in my resume and interview, in order to spend a major amount of my time with an employer who doesn't feel that they have to live up to anyone else's expectations. Poor attitude? No, I'm simply worth a little something. And this list is basically about what I'm worth.