I have this friend, see...

...in many ways, he's a classic nerd- all brain and no brawn, into computers and sci-fi, awkward in social situations. He's got sex on his mind a lot, but he's not good with women- in addition to being less than ideal as far as physical attractiveness (probably less important than we make it out to be, when it gets right down to it), he feels inadequate and uncomfortable around women. Not really the stalker type, though...more like the guy who's always such a good friend and listener, and just can't understand why this fails to get him any action.

I feel for the guy- most of us have been through at least a short period of our lives where we feel like this...teenage years, mostly. Some of us get to our late teens or twenties feeling like this, and then have an experience or two that lets us develop further, gives us the comfort and relief that allows us to develop a more flexible and sophisticated outlook. Then we can laugh about the awkward years, and feel like we've joined the rest of the human race.

It's not like he's never had a girlfriend or is still a virgin; compred to some people, he's relatively experienced...a handful of relationships, which included sexual contact. But his partners tended to be just as uncomfortable or emotionally muddled as he...even when they didn't end up adding to his difficulties, they didn't end up helping him much, either.

I really don't know what to tell him; any supportive words of advice just sound patronizing...and let's face it, nobody really wants to be a sexual mentor. That's a job for big brothers and friends in the schoolyard (with the obligatory help from schools and parents, most of which is patently laughable or at least embarrassing). Plus, who the hell am I to talk? I have enough trouble dealing with women in my own life...and I'm relatively well-adjusted. But I just keep seeing him do the wrong things, and get sad, and spend his alone time thinking about it...and then end up doing the same or other wrong things.

Guys like that end up one of three ways: chained to the wrong woman because they're unwilling to separate the need for sex with the need for a healthy relationship, or just sad and alone for the rest of their lives, trying to bury and/ or overcompensate for their desires...or, in the worst case (thankfully, a minority), developing into something dark and dangerous.

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I have another friend, a woman...whose problem is nearly the opposite: she really needs a good friend to talk to, and share things with, and laugh and not feel so god damned alone in this hard world. She's intelligent and creative, and has no crippling difficulties with social situations, and is even fairly attractive in her way. She's most often drawn to guys who show intelligence and depth, guys who can easily carry on a conversation about a variety of things...but who have unique and even nerdy interests and hobbies. She's not too hung up on physical attractiveness- she'd prefer that her guy not be hideous, but she'd far rather have someone who looks interesting than someone who is merely handsome. Nothing pisses her off like overly vain or slick guys.

Still, she sees a pattern developing- her guys start out by being interesting and multifaceted, but once they find that sexual point of entry, it begins to dominate the relationship. Suddenly most of the stimulating conversation is gone, and she feels like she may have well just picked up a dude to have sex with. Sure, she's more comfortable with and trusting of these guys than someone who'd be a mere sexual partner...but the depth has started to dry up, and she always feels like he just wants to have (or at least talk about) sex....while she'd actually like to talk about everything that matters to her- and that she thought mattered to him as well.

It's not a new story, or an uncommon one, but it's making her feel like guys are only smart until they get into her pants. Like they're putting on a show for her, and then dropping the act when they reach a certain point. It's not even an act- they are still interesting and smart, but they don't seem to care anymore whether she thinks so or not. Maybe they even begin to exclude her from their other interests, as if they'd found the one thing she was good for. It seems like she has to force the issue just to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around sex in some way, and she doesn't want to force the issue; she wants it to be a natural thing.

Sometimes it's just a phase of a bigger relationship...two people have discovered each other, sexually, and for a while it becomes fun just to overindulge in the physical element with each other. Gradually, it balances out and the other elements regain their importance. But sometimes it doesn't happen that way, and the relationship just turns into something lopsided, giving her the vague feeling that all that time has been wasted...and she feels bad about ending it when she's invested so much time and created so many good memories.

And, she rationalizes, maybe the current situation is just another passing phase and there will be a compensating payoff in the future. She knows several friends who have found that payoff in marriage and children...but she also knows that many of them are no longer really involved with their husbands on any deep personal level. Is it just that the exciting part of the relationship is the beginning? Is there no man out there who will still be interesting and engaging as time goes on?

The last thing she wants is to become one of the millions of Sex in the City-type women, with consumer profiles instead of personalities, with chick lit instead of good books, with interesting anecdotes instead of fond memories. But she can totally see it happening, and she sometimes gets desperately worried that maybe her requirements are a little too high, or her needs are nothing more than selfish desires.

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They'd almost certainly suck as a couple, even if it were an option. What's kinda funny is that I envy both of them, in a way, because dealing with the desperation of lonely possibilities can sometimes be preferable to dealing with the desperation of foregone conclusions. But, after all, this isn't about me...