Ode to My Latest Bowel Movement

We strove long, you and I;
should I blame yesterday's cheese?
But no, cheddar is not so sharp
so many hours later.

Pained from the moment I woke-
that pressure, heavy, tense
you made my head quite sore
with your demand for freedom.

Indecision pained me near as much.
Do I force, urge and strain
or wait 'till time is ripe?
Either way held pros and cons.

That first match ended a draw.
Unsatisfied, mere pebbles in the sea.
A bigger boulder or lode awaited
at the sore mouth of my cave.

Almost it seemed a bull-
horned and steaming, stamping
eager to escape through a mouse hole
and at last run free.

I must admit a slight worry
some medical complication?
How embarrassing 'twould be to visit
a clinic for such a malady.

Coffee and wheat toast
soon come to my aid
I hoped, and sat, and ever
the pounding at the door.

At last came the signal
joyously I trotted.
Just one last false warning
and then the storm broke

Oh, I can now sympathize
somewhat with all new mothers!
a pain like never I've felt
threatening to rend asunder.

Not even daring to push
eyes closed and teeth gritted
the heavens graced to open wide
and release one giant hailstone.

Though decorum forbade me look
I could not help a glance
grateful if in the waters
there was no trace of red

For almost did I expect
the egress would truly rend me.
Almost did I expect to see
studs, or thorns, or sticks.

And blunt and bulbous you were
my long unseen enemy.
My head still hurts a little
but I revel in my emptiness.

Now we are at long last parted
and you go with my full blessing
I only pray my plumbing
will accommodate you better.