from the future

Okay, you're going to have a hard time believing this, but this is a message from your future self.

I know it sounds crazy...but you're an imaginative kid, and you've read a lot of science fiction (or you will, depending on when you get this), so you won't have much trouble understanding. Believing is another matter. You'll want to believe, but you also won't want to allow yourself to believe.

Anyway, whether you believe it or not, I am you. I am you in your late thirties, and I'm not very happy or successful . I think a lot about the things I did wrong, and I feel guilty and sad much of the time. Just as you spend a lot of your time dreaming of the future, I spend a lot of my time dreaming of the past, of what could have been if I'd done things differently.

So I decided to write you a note, in the hopes that you'll get it somehow and take some of my advice. I don't really think it will work, but I had to try because I'm having a really hard time fixing myself in the present. My life isn't a total disaster; I have a roof over my head, the bills usually get paid, and an imperfect love is better than none at all. However, my life does not give me much pride or satisfaction, and my general mental health is not good. I don't have a lot of hope left, and I don't have a lot of options...or maybe I don't have the capacity to see the options that I do have...or maybe I just don't have the strength, intelligence, and/or bravery to make anything out of those options.

I have no idea when you'll get this, if you get it at all. You might be four or ten or fourteen or twenty years old. The earlier the better; most of the things I'd like to fix are either early on in our life or caused by events and/or long-term behavior patterns that begin early on.

If you get it too early, you won't understand much of this at all. So I'll aim for middle childhood or later. If you get this before 7 or 8 years of age, just keep it hidden and safe until you're ready. If anybody asks, just say it's a science fiction story that you're working on. It will be in your handwriting and more or less in your style, so that won't be so hard to accept.

There's some embarrassing stuff that I'd like you to avoid if possible. It's not essential, but you'll feel silly and ashamed about these things for years after. Try not to steal that big knife and accidentally slice your knee open. Try not to make a scene on the school bus, pretending you've moved so that you can go see your sister in her hippie house. Try not to hurt little Cindy on the teeter-totter. Try to do a better job taking care of the neighbor's house when they're away- don't poke around in their stuff. Try not to shoplift (it's not a constant problem, but you started pretty early and eventually it gets you into big trouble). Oh, and definitely avoid getting drunk and breaking your nose on Mike's window...stuff like that; mostly nothing major, but you'll feel a little better about yourself if you avoid that kind of thing.

That's an ongoing problem you have with your approach to life: you dwell a little too much on your mistakes, and blow them way out of proportion. Even the silly little ones. Cindy and Mike were ready to forgive you and joke about it long ago, but you still beat yourself up way too much about those youthful foibles. When you broke your mother's lead crystal candy dish, you were a lot harder on yourself than your parents were- you wouldn't accept your father's forgiveness. When you drop something, you make it a demoralizing symbol for your lifelong clumsiness instead of a simple 'oops'. Try to learn from and/or let go of these things.

And- I can't stress this enough- try to keep your weight down. A big part of your self-image gets damaged by having to be the fat kid all through school, and from your various attempts to overcompensate for it. It's hard enough to be smart and socially awkward without also being constantly ashamed of how you look. I know it's shallow, I know that exercise sucks, and I know that most other kids just seem to have an easier time with physical stuff...but it will really make a huge difference throughout your entire life, in so many obvious and subtle ways, if you don't have to constantly think of yourself as the fat kid.

And while we're near the subject, try not to be so weirdly competitive. Try not to constantly compare yourself to others. To some extent, you give up being creative and smart because other kids seem to be doing it better...you try so hard to find a unique niche that you reject a lot of the things you love and do well. Keep drawing, keep writing, keep performing, keep reading, keep playing with computers, keep listening to music...even when others do the same things and make you feel like you're no longer special. There's always going to be people who know more and do more and get more; don't turn away from something you like just because you're not number one. It's not about the attention and praise...it's about enjoying yourself and doing your best. Who cares if you're not the best artist/ writer/ performer...who cares what others do or say. Sometimes you just have to suck at something for a long time while others shine; if you really enjoy it, keep doing it.

Let's talk a little about superiority and vague fantasies of future vindication. Yes, your small town is full of dull and narrow-minded people. Yes, you are pretty smart and maybe even talented. I know you keep yourself going by thinking of how much everybody will admire and forgive you when you achieve whatever glorious and glamorous future awaits. On the other hand, there's no reason to act arrogant and dismissive while you're stuck in that place- the darker effects of your isolated, self-protective elitism far outweigh the little boost it gives you.

Truth be told, you're not moving toward a world full of people more like you- there are always going to be a lot of stupid, hostile people and many of them will do just as well or better than you. Life does not get more fair when you grow up- the bullies still tend to win, and the dull and uninspired far outnumber the rest at any age, in any environment. Learn to cope instead of expecting to escape.

Now for a very big one. Try to keep your oldest brother from dying. I have no idea how you can do this; maybe just talk to him and let him know how much the rest of the family needs him to stick around. I don't want to freak you out, but he dies while he's at college and you're in middle school. It seems like a suicide, though nobody is totally sure, and it messes many things up in a big way for a long time. At the very least, spend more time with him before then. Do your best. I don't have much more to offer about that.

Friends will come and go, but try a little harder to be a good friend when you can. Don't get irritated by little things that they do, and don't get so jealous when they spend time with other friends. Like I said before, try not to get weird when someone else is getting attention that you think you should be getting. It's not that important. I ended up really lonely and isolated because I couldn't just be a good friend; I always had to be the center of attention, or take petty revenge for unimportant (possibly imagined) slights.

Jeff was a good friend, and you alienated him by messing around with his girlfriend (and her sister? What the hell, dude?). Maybe he did make more out of that causal kissing that it deserved, but you still shouldn't have done that much. Whether you guys were meant to stay friends or not, it was a shitty thing to do and you regret it for quite some time.

Joe is kind of a crappy friend- he's overbearing and often embarrassing and never gives much emotionally- but still., try to treat him a little better. You'll still probably end up drifting apart, but you'll feel a lot better about it if you don't do quite so much to outdo or alienate him. I'm not sure if you mean to do it or not, but you effectively steal a few of his good friends from him, and unsurprisingly he ends up hating you for it. First Alison, and then Rob, and to a lesser extent the other members of that somewhat nerdy and slightly older circle. A lot of heartache can be avoided by handling that situation better.

I think you can probably do without getting involved with Alison at all; I know it's fun to hang out with the college kids, and especially to get into her pants (and head), but nothing really beneficial comes out of it. For all her good points, you should do better for your first time. Come to think of it, you can probably avoid getting involved with Elaine, too. She and Alison would both be just as happy not to have been with you at this point in your life. Not that she causes you any real problems (aside from the mortification during the family camping trip, which must at all costs be avoided), but you can wait a little longer before you try to fall in love.

And then there's Rob. You two develop quite a very close friendship, and then you just blow it off when you go to college. Why? Is it payback for all the times he got more attention? Is it because so many of the things you wanted to be...he just was, so easily and naturally? Did you just get bored of him or sick of him? Whatever the reason, he probably deserved better than the way you ended up treating him. As with Joe, if you still end up drifting apart naturally, so be it...then you won't have to spend decades reprimanding yourself...and feeling, justifiably, like an ass.

Going back to the subject of romance, try not to pursue it quite so intently. You don't have to have a girlfriend (and definitely not more than one) all the time. You end up getting involved with several girls who want more than you can offer, and nobody ends up satisfied. You don't have to date your way into social circles, and you don't have to force romantic feelings to be more than they are. To be blunt, most small-town high school aren't going to be worth pursuing anyway- you've got years ahead of you, and rushing into relationships just hurts everyone in the end.

On the other hand, Liz will be special. She's a hell of a lot of work, and you probably won't stay together very long, but you end up thinking about her for the rest of your life. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work...but take it as far as it will go, and don't fuck it up. Let it happen honestly and whole-heartedly- and let it stop happening the same way, when the time comes. Out of all your high-school flings, she's the only one that ends up really touching your weird little heart...so maybe just forget about the rest. How many do you actually need, anyway?

Same goes for Rhonda...there's no reason to get involved with her. She's cute in a very specific way that does it for you, and you have a few fun times with her, but it's just not worth it. To be brutally honest (and depressingly crude), she's a small-town girl at heart and never even gives you the one thing small-town girls should be best at. You two have so little in common, and your personalities don't mesh. Just don't start...in fact, the only reason you end up with her is because you were hanging around with semi-friends that you didn't like much anyway. I'm talking about that Jewish kid who lived in the apartment on the hill...what the hell was his name? Andy...well, forget him and all that scene. What good did it do you?

It was at his party that you first hooked up with Cindy. Forget her as well- again, she's a fine girl but the two of you two do not belong together and it ends badly. You had a nice little high-school relationship for what it was, but both of you would have been better off staying friends. She probably deserves a better first time. And Andy got you to break up with Cindy and then dated her himself. What so you need that for?

As friends, she and the others in that group should be your primary social focus. They were the ones who were really your friends, as much as anyone during those years. Andy was more or less just a satellite, an interloper. Gregg, Spencer, the various Mikes, Matt...Justin, Nathan, Dave...the two Cindys and Anna...et cetera...those were good friends and good for you, for the most part. The hot tub birthday party at Dave's house really touches your heart- you didn't realize they cared that much. Keep in touch with them as much as you can, and let them drift naturally instead of mostly blowing them off during college. Don't get jealous of their abilities or the experiences they have together when they're not with you. Who knows what might have happened? Oh, and don't make an ass of yourself to John Belt...if you really feel you need to experiment in that way, there will undoubtedly be a few people later on who can provide less awkward situations.

You spread yourself a little too thin in high school, trying out so many different things. The punk rock crew led you to Liz, certainly, but did Nicole or Pam or Jesse/ James ever give you anything worthwhile? A few fun drunk nights pretending to be punks. And then they all pretty much forgot you existed...oh, you ran into James at a bar later and he barely acknowledged you. He'd grown out of that phase, right? Paula was most certainly a mistake. Just because someone has the goth thing going doesn't mean she has anything else going on inside...

The music thing could have gone better, too. Why didn't you and Dawn do more together? Okay, she couldn't harmonize for shit but she had a good voice and you two sounded good together. If you could have put a band around that it would have been a lot better than the crappy cover band you spent so much time with. The Zych brothers weren't ideal bandmates...DeSantis was a good drummer but so closed-minded. And you guys really sounded like shit most of the time. Surely you could have put something better together? Wasting your time with Pink Floyd and Who covers...embarrassing gigs in bars...such a shame that it was the closest thing you had to a musical career. And by the way, hang on to that Gibson guitar and all the little pedals. Even if you don't think you want them anymore. you'll wish you still had them later.

Don't hang all your hopes on music. Play it because it's fun and you love it, but don't convince yourself that it's meant to be your future. You end up looking for ways that you can stand out without actually being good...I'm barely better at it than I was twenty years ago...more discipline and steady practicing would have helped, but face the fact early on: you just may not have what it takes.

Let's talk grades. I don't want to come off like a parental authority figure, but try a little harder in high school; you're smart enough to get into a good college and do good work once you're there. You can do a better job of balancing the social and academic parts; all the fun that you think you're having in high school will pale next to the fun you can have in college, and if you do better in college you'll be able to have plenty of fun in your twenties too. Which, by the way, end up largely sucking big time because you end up coasting through college without much to show for it or anywhere to go afterwards. I wish I could tell you how to keep that from happening; all I can say is what I've already said: study harder, keep the social stuff and other distractions balanced in the background where they belong. Go ahead and party hard a few times a month- just don't spend all your spare time hanging around and looking for a good time.

Don't give up on something because it's too hard. That's probably the worst habit you develop. Every time you stop before you've given your best, you end up hating yourself a little more. Ignore all the justifications and rationalizations that allow you to quit before you've really tried. Repeat "nothing good comes easy" because it's one of the deepest truths. When you start to try to convince yourself that what you're doing is pointless, you can always find a way to make it true. Sure, you may not NEED trigonometry and calculus later in life...but you sure as hell don't need to carry around the knowledge that you're a quitter for the rest of your life.

Now for some less 'mature' advice: your parents really don't know what is best for you. They love you, in their way, but their experience is incredibly limited and they have very little idea what is waiting for you outside your home town. Your mother is both overprotective and incapable of giving you real emotional support and care; your father is kind and more understanding than you give him credit for, but he's just as impatient, irritable, and easily discouraged as you are. Neither of them can do much to help you discover what it is you really want to do with your life, how to go about doing it, or even how to deal with your anger and/or sadness in a helpful way. They're good people, but you're pretty much right (if somewhat uncharitable) in your adolescent assessment of their limitations.

Unfortunately, I can't help you decide what you want to do, either. My choices have not been good ones; I don't know why I applied to those particular colleges, and I don't know why I chose those majors. Please try to avoid being too 'practical' - you tend to make bad decisions when you think you're forcing yourself to be adult and realistic. Try to figure out what you love, and work at it, rather than choosing something that you think is easy or suitable...but that you don't care enough about to go the distance.

Most of that high school advice applies to college, too...don't worry so much about jumping into relationships. I know you feel incomplete without a romantic component, but it really is better to be alone than to settle or struggle with something that may not mean what you want it to mean. And seriously, don't neglect your friends...there may be a girl who is worth spending every second with, but don't sacrifice your friends and your 20's for one person (even if she's a really good one!). For better or worse, you like variety and freedom...comfort, security, and companionship can wait a bit longer.

I won't get into the specific people in college, like I've done with high school. If you do follow my advice, you'll go somewhere else and therefore you won't be running into them anyway. I'll keep those memories to my past rather than your future. Admittedly, some of those days were pretty great- my best times as well as some of my bigger regrets- but I want something different, if analogous, for you.

And don't stick around either your college town or home town after you graduate (unless you happen to go to college in a place with something besides just the college). Make damn sure you have somewhere else to go, because there's really nothing for you anymore in either place. If you manage to keep some friends, or at least some contacts, move in together, someplace you've never been. A crappy job in a strange city beats a crappy job (or none) in a place with nothing but nostalgia and absent friends.

You will make friends- you're a friendly guy and pretty easy to like, when you reign in your irritability and selfishness. If you've managed to get decent grades and a meaningful degree, you should be able to find at least an okay job to start with. Don't worry if you're not pulling in professional money right away...money troubles are part of life. You can live on surprisingly little money as long as you don't try to do everything alone and all at once.

You don't need a car. It was a great thing to have when your parents lived out in the middle of nowhere, and you loved the freedom it gave you...but it's a burden that you don't need (and will probably fuck up) at college. There are plenty of other responsibilities to master first; live in a place where you can get used to walking and taking public transportation until your financial situation can better support a vehicle. You'll appreciate it more then, anyway.

You don't need a TV or any of that shit, either. Live as simply as you can, and go out for entertainment. Live bands beat a big record collection, and even bad movies in a theater beat wasted hours in front of the TV. Once PCs get big, you'll definitely want one of those...but that's for the end of your 20's, or even later. Avoid hanging out at your place, it can become a trap that isolates you. Playing house can wait until you're ready to play for keeps.

Hmm, it seems that I'm running out of advice. Finally, right? I hope you take some of it to heart. By the time you get to be my age, I hope you've had more to show for it. You don't have to be a huge success, as long as you're happier and more secure. I want you to have more fond memories and many fewer regrets. Sometimes I almost think I can see you there, living in some near alternate universe where you're not a sad loser writing pointless blogs at 2am.