They don't have the same green for the 2011 models that my current Jeep has (uh, "Jeep Green"? Why wouldn't they offer that?) but that's really neither here nor there. The point is: when I was checking and unchecking all of the little options, I had to pause at "Smokers Group". You know, the cheap option to include an ashtray and cigarette lighter.
Because by the time I get this new Jeep, I will have quit smoking.
Yep, that's right. I'd always planned to quit smoking by my 40th birthday, in the same way that I'd always planned to shave my head once my hair started thinning. I don't like to talk about these kinds of things -- just in case talking about it makes it less likely, make it another of the promises to myself and others that I hyped and never kept.
Well, my head is shaved...and 40 seems a good arbitrary choice. A young smoker can balance out the nasty elements with some amount of natural health and grace, but an old smoker is just all-around pathetic. And unlike the 30s, 40 is the age when nobody (except possibly an even older old person) can still call you young.
I also vaguely plan to be more active, sooner or later, and that will require as much health and energy as I can get. Smoking for me has been one excuse for being too sedentary; like junk food and cola, it fits right in with watching TV or sitting at a computer for hours on end. So in addition to the direct health benefits, there are indirect effects to look forward to.
Plus, it's become pretty expensive, and I'm a cheap bastard at heart. I don't dare think of the money that I could have saved over the years...well, to be honest, the money that I could have wasted on other things.
I've never really cared about the damage that I was doing to my body. I always figured that I'd die fairly young no matter what I did. For better or worse, it looks like I still have some time in this world...and I'd rather not spend it with a hole in my throat, a voice box, or carting around an oxygen tank...
...like my mother. Still sad to hear, but it's not exactly a big surprise that she's on oxygen, although she gave up smoking several years ago. I guess quitting doesn't automatically eliminate risk, huh? Maybe I'll have better luck by quitting earlier. And of all of the dead family members, not one death was specifically due to smoking...okay, heart disease took a few. Including a few non-smokers, for whatever that's worth.
All-in-all, smoking is probably the single most consistent embarrassment of my adult life. I feel more ashamed of the habit than I do of my habitual unemployment. It's not the violations against discipline, reason, and my hatred of waste (although those things definitely contribute). It's the symbolic spiteful rebellion against anyone and everyone that disapproves or mocks; it's the stupidest possible expression of my individuality. And the shameful furtiveness that goes along with it. The last thing that I need is another motivation to hide and flee from actual human contact.
At the same time, it's a link to the past -- in general ("remember when most people smoked?"), and to my personal memories of family and home and childhood. It's a link to my teen years, when I first started smoking, and when I first started gravitating towards the less-broadly-acceptable parts of the road less traveled. Not exactly a peer pressure thing, although I'm sure it took the edge off of socializing with other smokers (in many cases, we had little else in common).
In college, it was an artsy, party sort of thing to do. Plus, there was also an element of taboo fetishism creeping in -- smoking and sexuality were somehow linked in my mind, and have been ever since. That's another thing that I'd like to change, or at least minimize, in the time that I have left. I'll probably always be turned on by the sight of a woman smoking, but that doesn't mean that I have to do it myself...
Anyway, I was going to NOT talk about it too much. I could get more frank at this point, but I think I've covered everything well enough. Suffice it to say that I will be quitting smoking when I turn 40 (and not a minute before, lol) and it will be difficult in some ways, but it's almost guaranteed to make me feel better, physically and emotionally, in the long run.
So while I dread having to do it, I'm also looking forward to it...maybe it will help balance out some of the bad things that I know are coming (although I'll probably want to smoke even more once they actually happen...those situations and long-distance driving will be the biggest tests).
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