Hey, no peaking!

Important life lesson: when you think "yay, things are finally starting to get better!", it's probably about as good as things are going to get.

I'm sure that most people who have met me would consider me to be an optimist. I smile and laugh as often as possible, and generally try to point out the silver linings and sunny side of things. That is my tatemae, and it's fooled a hell of a lot of people most of the time (including close friends, lovers, and my parents).

My honne is much more pessimistic. My definition of pessimism involves being suspicious of every little enthusiastic impulse and putting the brakes on every happy, joyful emotion. Because I know that moderation is the only useful long-term defense against extremism, I rarely allow myself to experience strong emotions without drowning them in analysis and caution.

But because I am human (and also because I'm not totally mentally healthy, maybe?), I am not always able to maintain that 'proper perspective'. And because the good feelings often happen after a period of anguish, I justify it: I deserve to feel good, I've earned it. Unfortunately, that frequently allows the good feeling to get out of control and become what is often called 'manic'.

For those of us who have some sort of periodical mood problems (bi-polar disorder, chronic clinical depression, anxiety, et cetera), this usually signifies the peak of the 'positive' cycle rather than some point earlier on the upward slope.

I'm not going to whine about it, but it's a dirty trick. The good feeling seems like such a hopeful change after a dark period. It makes you feel like there is reason to hope after all...right before the sickening plunge back downward.

Typical impulsive behavior pattern; you feel like a failure, then one day you actually start to feel good about yourself and get excited about the future, so you make a bunch of plans...and they don't work out, so you're back to being a failure again.

Repeat that enough times and you wear a nice little groove into your behavior patterns. Every time you go through that cycle, it's a little more likely to happen again. Conservation of mental energy- it feeds itself, and it uses everything that happens as reinforcement. The older an idea is, the more familiar it is, the more it seems like the way things should be.

I suppose that people who are successful, people who achieve and progress, are often just as unstable as those who fail and stagnate. Sometimes the difference between being a success and being a failure is little more than making your impulsiveness and nervous energy work for you- and refusing to dwell on the mistakes along the way.

Of course, it would be nice to learn from your mistakes...but that's not really necessary, is it? As long as you don't keep making the same ones...but that's where the mental health issues come in. One can't always separate the ideas which are based on reason and experience from the ideas which are the product of psychological imbalance (either from habituated behavior patterns or fundamentally misaligned biochemistry).

I'd like to make some sort of social comment about how our culture encourages impulsiveness and then medicates or punishes the consequences, but I don't want to seem like I'm denying my personal responsibility. Plus, I'd be more or less talking out of my ass...the last thing we need is more broad generalizations by bloggers who have more time on their hands and less real evidence or insight.