Here's a few thoughts from someone who does telephone surveys for a living.
It's not that I'm monotone or lifeless...if anything, my faults lie in the opposite direction. I guess when people hear someone speaking clearly and professionally, they tend to assume that they're listening to a recording of some kind. It would be a compliment except that it's usually a good excuse for them to hang up on me.
And come to think of it, it's just bullshit to belittle someone who sounds polite and well-spoken simply because you think it sounds "fake" or "inauthentic". What exactly do you lose by pretending to be a nicer person sometimes? Why is actually knowing one's language somehow less desirable than speaking like you flunked out of junior high? Sometimes we need to force ourselves towards being better people than we are, so that the world doesn't become an even shittier place. And what's so "real" about being sullen and stupid, anyway?
- People are really afraid these days.
Sometimes I really get the feeling that people think that I'm able to come through the phone and wreck their lives somehow. Are you afraid that I'm some magical evil-genius hacker who's discovered how to steal your money or personal info while I'm pretending to ask you bland survey questions? Even if I was calling to sell you something (which I probably hate even more than you, if you only knew), why would you be so scared to hear it? Are you so weak or suggestible that you can't trust yourself with a smooth-talking stranger? Hell, even if I was a homicidal pervert with a deadly communicable disease, what could I possibly do to you over the phone?
If phones were guns, and hanging up was shooting, most of the entire country would just shoot first and ask questions later. Maybe that's why everybody's so scared...
The truth is that I'm going to ask you some relatively impersonal questions in order to try to make things slightly better for everyone, AND I'll be more polite and attentive during those three or four minutes than most of the people you'll meet all year. And you missed that chance just by letting ignorant fears rule your choices.
- People are really busy these days.
...and I can understand that. But when it gets right down to it, I have a tough time believing that all of these people are as busy as they pretend to be. Sometimes "busy" really just means "busy watching TV" or "busy jacking off" or maybe just "busy not talking on the phone".
And I think people like to believe that being busy immediately excuses them from being pleasant, polite, and/or any of the other traits that help make the world a significantly less shitty place. Which leads to...
- Phones are like cars or the internet- they make people think it's OK to be rude.
It's not OK, but I guess it's a lost cause, huh? So many people either don't know when they're being rude, or just don't care...even in person. And anonymity gives plenty of license for even a normally decent person to indulge their slumbering hostility and say whatever they feel like saying.
...or just to hang up; many people, who might consider it impolite to turn their back and walk away from you while you were speaking to them, wouldn't think twice about hanging up without a word. Maybe because they think you're a robot?
Okay, maybe it's just because I work during the day when younger people are less likely to be hanging around the house. Maybe it's just that younger people don't answer their phones as often as older people. Or maybe it's the baby boom skewing the population curve. Whatever the case, 9 out of every 10 people that I speak to are over 65...and while many of them seem to have the perspective and/or upbringing to encourage a baseline civility, others tend to uphold the stereotype of the cranky old geezer who believes they've earned the right to unload on every person that they talk to.
- Answering machine creativity is almost never a good idea.
Now it's my turn to be rude. You with the fake accent and/or humorous delivery: you're not anywhere near as funny as you think you are. That also goes for those of you who still think it's hilarious to pretend that you're actually there answering the phone- that joke was already old in the mid-80's...and yes, I am extra irritated because I've fallen for it.
And you with the little kids...I know you think that every little thing they do is precious. And I don't suppose it really matters one bit if anyone can understand a word of the answering machine message. But wouldn't you agree that Helen Keller on
meth and helium is a disturbing mental image?
And finally, though it falls pretty far from any definition of creativity: no thanks, I won't have a fucking "blessed day". Not even if it came with a hundred dollar bill and a free
blowjob from the celebrity of my choice. Why? Because 99 times out of 100, those people whose blessings flow so freely on the machine will either hang up in my face or be as
unhelpful as possible. From what I know about your magic wizard in the sky and his bastard son, they wouldn't mind talking to me for a few minutes (if they actually existed, I mean). So what's your problem?
- You're pretty lucky you got me instead of some of my co-workers.
Okay, now I'm gonna sound all elitist and arrogant...but I've heard these people talk during our little trainings and meetings. Most of them aren't what I'd choose to be the voice of my company. I'm not saying that my vocal quality qualifies me to do voice-overs for film trailers or books-on-tape, but damn...if you only knew who might have been bleating, stammering, monotoning, or mush-mouthing at you instead of me...
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